Absurdity defined

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Last week, I became famous, thanks to Mr Sam Cohen placing my name in his advertisement. What an honour. Here I am, warning the world about him, and Mr Cohen does us all a favour and gives me, his arch enemy, space in his ad, free of charge, in ‘Nine to Five Magazine’. The knee-slapper is that I was trying to place an ad in that publication myself, at my expense. I wanted people to know all about the alleged IHRB scam. Yet, the genius that is Sam Cohen, gave me the spotlight in his ad. What could have been fairer than that?

Anyway, this week, we see a new ad with a new headline. Sadly, all the con-tricks and misleading statements remain. Let me show you how and why the IHRB offer is absurd. The headline says, ‘This is a worlds first as we guarantee to regrow more of your own hair or your money back!’

A WORLD FIRST

The average reasonable reader is bound to presume that Sam Cohen and IHRB have some innovation. Something that is the first in the world. What is a world first? If you ask Mr Cohen, he will say that he was the first in the world to offer a money back guarantee. So when we are talking about hair re-growth, we expect that we are talking about some innovation to hair re-growth. Alas, the headline is boasting about being the first to offer a money back guarantee. How can he prove this? Did he conduct research in Romania, Lebanon, Paris, Switzerland, Afghanistan, St Louis, Hong Kong, and Upper Mongolia? Is he certain that no other con man has ever offered a useless money back guarantee in relation to snake oil for hair growth? Who knows? And what does it matter? Why would anyone boast about a money back guarantee? To me, it sounds something like this, ‘Come and give me your money. I will give you a dishwasher. If the truck arrives and gives you a vacuum cleaner, and your vacuum cleaner does not wash the dishes, then you will get your money back’. Well dear reader, I should jolly well expect my money back. Being ethical in business ought to be nothing to boast about. Saying, ‘Give me your money so I can give you stuff for your hair that will grow your hair, and if it does not grow, you get your money back,’ is absurd because… excuse me… what is the alternative statement? In other words, are we saying that it is ok to advertise: ‘Give me your money and try my potions and if they do not work, too bad, sucked in?’ Mr Cohen’s guarantee is not worthy of a headline. If he is taking our money, he had better deliver. So, a) we do not know that he was the first in the world, and how can HE know? And b) how dare he suggest that the converse would be tolerated? ‘Give me your money and too bad if my rubbish does not grow your hair?’ The illogicality makes my teeth itch. He is boasting about something that ought to be a given! It is like saying, ‘Please employ me at your bank. I will be honest. If not, I will return my salary.’ No my good man, you must be honest. It is not a condition. And Mr Cohen, your stuff had better work, and if it does not, you owe us the money, so don’t make out that you are doing us a favour. Besides, his treatment did not work for me, and he did not return my money. So go figure.

By the way, I love emphasis such as the phrase ‘your OWN hair’. Whose hair could I possibly grow if it is not my own?

WORRY NO MORE

The sub headings state, ‘Men & women of all ages & children worry no more’. This is misleading. He is saying that we need no longer worry about our hair thinning? Or is he saying that we should not worry about being ripped off (now there’s a laugh!). He does rip people off, so what are they not to be worried about? That their hair will stop thinning? How can he make that statement when he knows that some people cannot regrow their hair. He says so. He makes you sign a document that says that you cannot expect your hair to grow back, but you should give him thousands of dollars just the same. So what are we to no longer worry about? Indeed he cannot promise hair regrowth. If he could, he would say, ‘I will give you three times your money back if what I say does not happen’. So anyway, this is just another useless waste of ink on a page that is misleading people into thinking that their hair will grow, so no need to worry about hair loss. Or he is saying your money is safe if this does not work, which is not true.

NO IFS AND NO BUTS

He says, ‘All others say “try ours, it may help”. No “ifs” and “buts” with us – we guarantee ours’. This is ambiguous and misleading and off the point and useless and a lie and conniving! Other companies say try ours, it may help? So what is he saying? ‘Try mine it will help!’ No dear reader, he is not saying that his WILL help. His will not only NOT help, it might render you dead, in pain, or bald! In my case, I lost MORE hair and suffered a rash on my scalp and body! Others have suffered much greater pain (more about their stories in due course). So this line is saying, ‘Ours will help.’ And this is misleading in the extreme. And he ends the line with ‘We guarantee ours’. What? Guarantee that it will help. We can be sure that it will help? This is not what this sneaky man is saying. He is saying that if it does not help, I have a guarantee. The guarantee means I assure you that you will receive your money back. He is not saying ‘I assure you that your hair will grow’. However, you will not receive any money because before you walk out of his office, he makes you sign a document that says that you are not to expect any hair to grow! Please read this sentence again! I will repeat it for you. BEFORE YOU WALK OUT OF HIS OFFICE, HE MAKES YOU SIGN A DOCUMENT THAT SAYS THAT YOU ARE NOT TO EXPECT ANY HAIR TO GROW! As for ifs and buts: I have been on this case since September 2009. Every day I have had my team onto this ghastly con trick, costing me an obscene amount of money. Sam Cohen would not honour his promise of a refund. I and others have had nothing other than ifs and buts. What on earth is he talking about?

Oh, and he gives the impression that others say try ours, it might work? He is criticising his competitors for being upfront and honest about it? Besides, the reputable companies out there do offer a guarantee. So what’s he rabbiting on about?

DO NOT BE MISLED

He then says, ‘Please do not be mislead [sic] by various TV commercials by celebrities & actors’. How dare he? He is the king of misleading statements. The KING! And he has the gall to suggest that other ads are misleading? That is the ultimate pot calling the kettle black. Sam cares about us so much that he does not want us to be misled? How kind. He’s just miffed because he can’t afford TV commercials (he does advertise on small stations, but he is not successful enough to have a legitimate business). He is jealous. Seething, in fact. Any time that some operator is in the news, he prints out hundreds (he told me ‘thousands’) of colour copies and hands them out to his clients to cast mud upon his competitors.

As for celebrities and actors: why does he shove the photos and testimonials of footballers in his ads, and why does he tell his clients about the likes of Kevin McGuinness, Hazam El Masri, Luke Bailey, and Jason Ryles? Why do some of his ads show a client who signs off as ‘Sydney Police Officer’. He does not do this to protect the identity of the police officer. If that were the case, he would say ‘name withheld’. Why would he reveal what he is trying to keep confidential? It makes more sense to say John Smith, rather than show a photo of a person and say, ‘I can’t tell you his name but he is an undercover CIA operative’. Pathetic. Indeed, Sam features the fact that his client is a police officer in order to mislead people into thinking that celebrities and important people use his treatment, which is no treatment at all, and which I dare say would make his clients squirm if they really understood how Sam has ripped them off and put their health at risk! He features the job title to boast about the fact that Sam Cohen has received a recommendation from a police officer. He said to me, ‘Can you believe this? This is the first time. No police officer ever endorses products. But look, I have an endorsement from a police officer!’ He was boasting and gloating. Sam criticises his competitors for using actors and celebrities, yet Sam uses footballers and celebrities! And he has their photo right above his desk for all to see. And he points to them.

STICKING A WIG ON YOUR HEAD

Then the ad says, ‘We don’t stick a wig on “Bald Heads” like others do to show a full head of hair’. What does he care, what others do? At least when clients sign-up to those wig offers, they know that they are getting a wig. Whereas when Sam gives people his useless topical solutions, we have no idea what is in them. He says that they contain Indian Curries, when in fact that contain medications that the experts say should not be mixed. Besides, he wears a wig. He used to sell wigs. So what’s wrong with wigs all of a sudden? His ad even says that he can help with ‘hairpieces’. So how is that logical? If his complaint is that they are misleading people, well dear friends, I do not know how this man can jump onto such a high horse when he is the master of all con tricks. He has a fixation with what others are doing. He tries to distract us by suggesting that his competitors are bad. He fails to realise that some of his competitors are operating a legitimate business, a hundred times larger than his, ethically, and within the law!

TODAY TONIGHT & A CURRENT AFFAIR

I really fail to understand what he expects us to do about this. TV shows have exposed hundreds of scams. So what? Does that make his statements true? The fact that other con artists have been exposed, does that mean that he is not a con artist? What is he saying when he prints that other bad operators have been ‘documented on Today Tonight…’? By the way, Sam Cohen has now been exposed on Today Tonight. He has ended up where all the con men end up. He is now exposed. A lot more to come too.

LASERS AND DHT

His ad then asks, ‘Do lasers, high frequency machines and massages block the balding gene (DHT)? NO!’ If we are going to resort to such tactics of language then I can say, ‘Do cats and dogs help you to type faster on your keyboard? NO! Do tomatoes make your roof solar resistant? NO!’ Why say such statements that have nothing to do with anything? Sam can’t cope with the fact that laser treatments are listed by the FDA. So he has to rubbish them. What can he say to discredit them? Um err, let’s see, ar, um, oh, yes, ‘Do onions give you fresh breath? NO!’ Don’t make such useless statements just because you have space in your ad to fill a line that serves no purpose. Lasers might not block DHT. So what? Who said they do? Does sitting under your desk stop DHT? Who said it would? Useless. He just has nothing to say about lasers and so he finds something that lasers can’t do, and he makes a fuss about it. Why? Because Sam wants to tell you that he can block DHT. Does he know how bad it is to stop DHT? He is promoting the blocking of DHT yet he has not got a clue what that means and how bad that is. What he should say is, ‘Do lasers cause you erectile dysfunction and depression? NO! Well, come and let me block your DHT so that you can suffer erectile dysfunction, become depressed, grow man boobs, get sore testicles, tender nipples, perhaps contract male breast cancers, because I can do that for you!’ That’s really what that line says.

THE BODY COPY

Now we reach the body copy which says, ‘My name is Sam Cohen, hair loss and hair replacement specialist for more than 36 years.’

What is the difference between hair loss and hair replacement? Observe the tricky language. He means that he has worked in the industry to sell wigs. And now he calls wigs ‘hair replacement’. Is that not bad English considering how livid he seems to be by his competitors who sell wigs to people who do not know that they are buying wigs? He should say, ‘I have worked in the hair industry and I have sold wigs.’ Mind you, he reckons he has dabbled in hair transplants. More on that later. I think that means that he has picked up the phone and has spoken with one or two hair transplant specialists, and now all their expertise has rubbed off on him.

As for being in the business for 36 years. I thought it was 40 years. The dates keep changing. We shall find all this out soon.

PRESCRIBED BY DOCTORS

Then he says, ‘Using topical and oral pharmaceutical products (Prescribed by doctors).’ This sentence is so loaded, I really do not know where to begin. He does not say prescribed by YOUR doctor. He says prescribed by doctors. This is so sneaky that I do not yet wish to highlight what this means until this has been exposed properly to the authorities because this is dynamite! So loaded. So sharp. So tricky. Anyway, indeed, he can’t obtain medications without a doctor’s prescription. So he asks his clients to obtain a prescription and to give it to him. Why? For many many many complex and devious reasons, but more on that later. For now, he tells the world that you will need prescribed medications. Why? Many many many reasons, but for now, I will say that it also relates to him not wanting to take the blame if something goes wrong. Indeed, many of his clients suffer, as I did, and he blames the doctors, as he tried to blame mine (except that mine never gave me a prescription) so the monkey is on his shoulders.

MEDICATIONS

What are these things that are supposed to be prescribed by doctors? Why does he not spell it out? In my case he wanted me to take a high dosage of Finasteride. This is not his invention. So why do I need Sam Cohen to steal $3,700 from me so that I can go and buy Finasteride? I can visit my GP and obtain a prescription for Propecia and go to my pharmacy and purchase it. Why pay him $3,700 for that? Talk about a middle man! He never mentions in his ad that taking Finasteride could cause a wide range of difficulties and health concerns, including the chance of never EVER being able to have another erection!

Sam also wanted me to obtain a prescription for Loniten. A big bad no-no! Dangerous. Not approved. Indeed, 80% of people who take this will experience hair growth. Sadly, this is a serious dangerous drug for the heart. It is the drug that should only be used as a last resort to control high blood pressure in serious cases for elderly patients who simply have no other option left on the planet. Loniten is the kind of drug that is locked in a red cabinet with a red flashing light above it. But for Sam, it is his saviour. It enables people to grow hair (which will fall out when they stop). He does not tell us that this is dangerous and would require two more tablets to be taken to guard against heart palpitations and to stop fluid retention (which could cause heart failure in two days if we do not take the two extra tablets). He just does not mention any of this.

Sam wanted me to obtain a prescription for Retin-A and Minoxidil. These two should not be mixed. Retin-A opens up the skin so that more Minoxidil can enter the scalp and reach the system. Bad. Not recommended. And in fact, ill advised. And what is worse, he never tells us that a side effect of Minoxidil can be hair loss! Which is what happened in my case. I went for hair growth. I got hair loss! Wow!

Supposing one is daft enough to take these drugs at the super-high dosages that he recommends, why do we need him? We can go to the doctor and obtain a prescription and go knock ourselves out. Why are we paying $4,900 ($3,700 in my case) for this non-service?

NATURAL EXTRACTS

To answer the previous question, Sam Cohen will tell you that he has special natural extracts. What does that mean? Nothing. He just says this so that you do not cut him out of the loop. He wants you to lock into a contract so that you obtain these medications from him at inflated prices, and at his high-dosages, so that your hair grows, while you stuff-up your health. To make out that he has some part to play in the medications’ efficacy, he will mention words like ‘natural extracts’. Ask him what these are. He told me that they are Indian Curries. His special herbs and spices from India. He discovered these! They are the secret punch that makes it all work. Without his Indian Curries, nothing will work. That is what he said, time and time again. Ok, ask him to show you what these are, what they look like, where they come from, what they do. They do not exist. So he is lying. If he will insist, ask for credible clinical trials to show that his natural extracts are the ingredients that are in fact making Loniten, Finasteride (Proscar), Retin-A, and Minoxidil kick into action. What rubbish. If you are a current client, please check your bottle of Minoxidil. See if it has a name of a pharmacist printed on the label. Contact the pharmacist and ask what is meant by the phrase on the label that says, ‘Specially formulated according to IHRB’s specifications’. His older pharmacists printed this on his labels. Ask for an explanation and for a list of ingredients, as is required by law. If a pharmacist does not comply with this request, Sam Cohen sticks his own misleading statement via a separate sticker.

HERBAL PREPARATIONS

Ditto. More codswallop. He led me to believe that his entire program was herbal and soft and lovely and safe. Little did I know that he was talking about serious dangerous, non-approved medications! He says that no company and no doctor knows anything about hair. Only he has found the secret formulation from India. So great that his clients have ALLLLLLLLL had excellent results and that he has NNNNNNNNNEVER failed. ALL. NEVER! What lies. Since this site has gone up, I have been contacted by so many of his current and former clients, that I am amazed at how many angry people there are out there.

In my case, I did not use Finasteride or Loniten. This is why my hair did not grow. I lost hair because Monixidil can cause hair loss in some people. For others, it can cause severe pain if they are allergic. So I asked Sam for a refund, as per his advertised and contracted agreement. Sadly, he told me to go and do unspeakable things with my grandmother. And here we are.

Sam Cohen still advertises rubbish. He never tells his readers that he wants them to give him thousands of dollars for nothing other than bad, illegal advice! That’s it. Sam is basically saying, ‘come to me, and get crazy, dangerous advice. And if nothing works, you can go and give you grandmother a good old-fashioned rogering!’

FREE

But hey, look on the bright side. The sales pitch is entertaining and amusing. And it is FREE! He says so in his ad. He says, ‘FREE CONSULTATION’. What could be fairer than that. Go on, you know it makes sense. Really, if you have a spare lunch break, with nothing to do, go for a free consultation. I assure you that it will be absolutely revetting. Better than a triple espresso. You will go back to your office abuzz. You’ll have hours of new conversation material.

P.S. IHRB is the name of the Institute of Hair Regrowth and Beauty run by Sam Cohen of 105 Pitt Street Sydney. It is also written as Institute of Hair Regrowth & Beauty or Institute of Hair Re-growth & Beauty.